Dear Brides or Designated Bachelorette Planner…
Some planning pointers from a two-time bach-tendee and one-time Designated Bachelorette Planner (DBP)
If I didn’t have my negative opinions about the wedding industry (post for another day), I’d 100% be using this forced unemployment period to start my own wedding planning side hustle. I loved planning and bringing my wedding to life.
So naturally I jumped at any opportunity to help my friend, T, as she gets ready to say I DO and myself say I DO to be her Designated Bachelorette Planner (DBP)
Having only attended two bachelorette parties (one in which I was the bride and did zero planning for), I am certainly no expert. But acts of service and gift giving are my love languages and I can make a killer spreadsheet (have you see the 2024 spending tracker?) so I’m quite the DBP candidate.
After this past weekend of heated pools, 2010s karaoke hits, and a drag bunch, I’m feeling extra excited to celebrate T’s upcoming wedding…. and that’s what a bachelorette should make you feel… excited and happy to continue the party!
But with the average cost of a bachelorette party at $10,800, and having money conversations with friends still somewhat rare this could leave anyone feeling resentful.
What does the bride want and what’s that going to cost
It’s no surprise that the bride plays a huge role in how the rest of the bachelorette goes. Get clear on your bride’s vision for the event and where she might be flexible. Based on this, start doing the initial research to get a feel for expenses. These convos with the bride are ongoing and depending on survey responses (more on that below), you might have to bring up alternative options. If you aren’t already, expect to get comfortable talking about money with your friend.
Pro-tip: leave enough time for planning. with a closer date, you might see expensive flights, less lodging availability, and definitely have a shorter saving span.
Survey the crew, and make room for loud budgeting
Give potential bach-tendees (bachelorette attendees) an opportunity to flex their loud budgeting skills — yup, ask them how much they can spend or what they’re willing to spend. Although let me warn you, an open ended field might generate an unrealistic $50 budget for a full weekend destination event. No free text here, instead give spending ranges based on your initial research. This gives potential bach-tendees a heads up on what they could expect to fork up. Then make it super clear that they should reach out to you if there are any questions or concerns. This is their opportunity to be honest about what you can comfortably spend — be understanding!
Give people the option to opt-out, even if they reject it
The FOMO is absolutely real when it comes to attending these sorts of life events for our friends, it’s why Ari just spent $800 on a domestic flight 😅. The idea of missing it is just too painful. Bach-tendees join the festivities because 1) they feel like they need to be there, 2) they can’t imagine not having been there and hearing about it later, or 3) to support their bride/groom! As the DBP, the last thing you want is a bunch of bach-tendees to have joined because of reason #1; you can’t control #2.
Bachelorettes are filled with activities, but does everyone need to join everything? Give people the option to opt-out, especially if they are concerned about costs.
Take T’s local bachelorette, these were all the activities involved:
Spa ($$$)
Dinner ($$)
Karaoke ($)
Overnight hotel stay ($$$)
Drag brunch ($$)
T asked me to emphasize that no one should feel obligated to attend every activity and encourage people to sign up for any and all activities they wanted to. Now if you were someone that wanted to save a bit, you might say I’ll skip the spa but stay overnight because the FOMO of a sleepover is greater than the FOMO from a spa. Or you could say I’ll skip the overnight and brunch the next day so that you could have spent a full day with the bride but not incur the costs associated with lodging and additional meal for day 2.
Over-communication is key!
Keep the bach-tendees in the know. This includes sharing what plans are being made (if they aren’t part of the planning committee lol), how we’re doing on budget / spending plan, and what purchases were/will be made. You’re not annoying anyone and if you are no one will tell you so keep those texts coming, this way no one can ever say they didn’t agree to something 😉.
Split the check…
With the rise of sobercuriosity, many are opting out of alcohol and therefore might not want to pay for the cost of others’ drinks. To make it as fair as possible, ask your server to split your check — one for food, another for alcoholic beverages. The only person that would object is your friend Nicole that always orders five drinks and then wants everyone to pitch in so she only pays for the cost of two.
Ok, what about the food though? Family-style is my favorite way to do dinner with groups but I know allergies and dietary needs can make this difficult (I selfishly found a vegan restaurant for T’s bach 🤣). If Nicole also happens to order the most-expensive dishes, tell her that you’ll have a bite of her meal since you’re all contributing to the costs. Seriously though, as the DBP keep a look out for where there might be inequities.
Avoid the “who paid for what”
Though I’ve used apps like Splitwise, I find that designating one person’s credit card as the go-to for the weekend/night is the best way to keep track of spending. Make this person the bachelorette treasurer, they will pay all the bills and be responsible for tallying up what was spent at the end of the weekend.
If that isn’t an option, another alternative I’ve tried is collecting a specific amount of funds and pooling that into a debit card to be used freely throughout the weekend.
Example: 5 of you contribute $200 each to a designated debit card for a total of $1,000 of spending money for the weekend/night. Any money leftover would be evenly divided at the end of the trip.*
*This worked well when I did it because I had multiple debit cards and could transfer funds out of that account and into another so we could actually see how we were doing on spending.
I pray that you have an understanding bride…
and if you don’t send her my way! Truly, in the end, the only way any of this is possible is if the bride or/and the DBP understand the financial implications of attending weddings. And care more about their friends' financial wellbeing than them making an appearance to a bachelorette they can’t afford.
In the end, the best bachelorette parties are the ones where bach-tendees aren’t guilted into attending or spending more money than they wanted to. The ones where the bach-tendees leave pumped for the BIG DAY!